Welcome to the world of online dating. It's an exciting concept, that just a few mouse clicks away you could find the perfect partner. Today I want to talk about one of the most important aspects of online dating, your profile pictures.
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Please tell me that you didn't think you could get through this without putting up a picture at all?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Bad dater, bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
One of the easiest and most successful ways to make people think you are honest and great is to support your profile text with your photos. If you think of your photos as a visual proof to your written profile, you will go a lot further. However, you need to be careful of what else people are reading into your photos.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
This is not the time to get scared and stick your head in the sand. By understanding the top mistakes people usually make in their photos, you can get yourself ahead of 90% of the online population. So let's get started.
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Putting Up A Picture With Multiple People In It
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. The Ex Photo
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. Making Yourself Appear Ugly On Purpose
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away.
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
While I am advising you to get some photos taken just for the purpose of your dating profile, I don't recommend using professional glamor photos. First of all, these are notorious for not looking like reality. Second, it comes across as a bit egotistical, that you pay to have photos taken of yourself for no reason (silly, as it's an awful lot of fun and a great way to spend a day, having done it myself). Instead, you want natural appearing photos. (Though, I admit that this is more of a problem for girls than it is for boys.)
8. The Drunken Shot
So I can see why you might have drunk photos up on Facebook, but unless you are writing your profile while drunk (which I really do not recommend), then why on earth would you put it up as one of your best and defining looks? If you think the best thing about you is that you get drunk and then ugly, you really need to try a new branding tactic, because that isn't going to appeal to many people.
9. Where Are You Photos
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
Choosing the perfect photo for your online dating profile should not be hard, but based on the evidence available it appears to stump a lot of men. Therefore, avoid these mistakes, and you are already ahead of the game!
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Please tell me that you didn't think you could get through this without putting up a picture at all?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Bad dater, bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
One of the easiest and most successful ways to make people think you are honest and great is to support your profile text with your photos. If you think of your photos as a visual proof to your written profile, you will go a lot further. However, you need to be careful of what else people are reading into your photos.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
This is not the time to get scared and stick your head in the sand. By understanding the top mistakes people usually make in their photos, you can get yourself ahead of 90% of the online population. So let's get started.
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Putting Up A Picture With Multiple People In It
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. The Ex Photo
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. Making Yourself Appear Ugly On Purpose
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away.
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
While I am advising you to get some photos taken just for the purpose of your dating profile, I don't recommend using professional glamor photos. First of all, these are notorious for not looking like reality. Second, it comes across as a bit egotistical, that you pay to have photos taken of yourself for no reason (silly, as it's an awful lot of fun and a great way to spend a day, having done it myself). Instead, you want natural appearing photos. (Though, I admit that this is more of a problem for girls than it is for boys.)
8. The Drunken Shot
So I can see why you might have drunk photos up on Facebook, but unless you are writing your profile while drunk (which I really do not recommend), then why on earth would you put it up as one of your best and defining looks? If you think the best thing about you is that you get drunk and then ugly, you really need to try a new branding tactic, because that isn't going to appeal to many people.
9. Where Are You Photos
Any photo where you are not the main focus or difficult to discern probably shouldn't be used. While you want to support your other attributes with photos, you also want to make sure each one clearly shows that you are an attractive human being, and all the other photos weren't just flukes. Unless you have more than four other photos clearly showing your face, I wouldn't waste the opportunity.
Choosing the perfect photo for your online dating profile should not be hard, but based on the evidence available it appears to stump a lot of men. Therefore, avoid these mistakes, and you are already ahead of the game!
About the Author:
This has been adapted from Buffy Greentree's new book The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon and Buffy's website, www.100firstdrafts.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment